When I’m not writing ads, I write.
YOU ARE WHAT YOUR NIKE SNEAKERS SAY YOU ARE
Air Monarch: Your hobbies include lawn care, Catholicism and memorizing the GDP of nations in the under-developed world.
Air Jordan 1: You let your Apple EarPods dangle on your ear lobes all day.
Jordan V Retro: You lost your virginity in a Famous Footwear parking lot.
Cortez: Your name is Oscar. And you’ve thought about joining a gang.
Air Force 1: You have a gun.
Air Force 1 (High): You have a machete.
Air Foamposite: You have a machete and have used your shoelaces as a tourniquet.
Air Max Penny: You’ve developed acute tendinitis from rewinding audio cassettes with a pen.
Air Huarache: “These fit so great. I got my wife a pair, too.” – You.
Jordan Why Not: You know a guy who knows a guy who knows Coolio.
Air Max Sequent: You don’t make love without your Fitbit Charge 2 on.
Roshe One: You spit out the phrase “I’ll hook you up.” Like, a lot.
Roshe Run Slip On: You have recently and reluctantly upgraded from Teva’s.
Air Max 1: You claim you coined the word ‘athleisure.’
SB Blazer: Your Skype ID is azzkikr87 and your Yahoo Messenger ID was immortal_kombat.
Air Span II: You’ve gotten in trouble saying, “black lives matter, I get it but…and I’m gonna get in trouble for saying this,
but… black people should spend less money on sneakers.”
Air Max 270: You carry your laptop and your lunch in a duffel bag.
Air Max 180: You say stuff like, “the only way to be a marathon runner is to run a marathon.” You’ve never run a marathon.
Run Free: Your Bernese Mountain Dog’s name is Roscoe.
Pegasus: Your bed linens are corduroy.
Air Maestro: Everything you know about love and basketball you learnt by making out with Footlocker sales associates.
CLASSIC SONG TITLES RE-IMAGINED AT THIS TECH-HEAVY, MILLENNIAL-TARGETED, SOCIAL-FIRST ADVERTISING AGENCY
(Everything I Do) I Do It For YouTube
Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Connected-Car
Just A Little Bitcoin Of You
You Can Call Me AI
Facebook Video Killed The Radio Spot
We Didn’t Startup The Fire
21st Century Schizoid Management
Timesheet After Timesheet
Jenny From The Blockchain
Google Search And Destroy
All The Internet Of Things You Are
I Don’t Want To TED Talk About It
Design Thinking Out Loud
Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Headphones
Light My Firewall
FaceTime Call Me Maybe
Get Rich Media Banners Or Die Tryin’
Boulevard Of Broken Agency Model Dreams
VR The World
Can’t Touch Base This
Smells Like Millennial Spirit
QUIZ: REAL OR FAKE ADVERTISING JOB TITLES
1. Chief Heart Officer
2. Executive Operations Poet
3. Lead Guitar
4. Digital Prophet
5. Global Social Media Community Manager
6. Global Director of Creative Recruiting, Minorities
7. In-House Philosopher
8. Chief Creative Insurgent
9. Chief Flavor Officer
10. Executive Diversity Director
11. Chief Troublemaker
12. Interim Executive Creative Director
13. Global Chief Growth Officer
14. Creative Director, Pitches & Case Studies
15. Global Junior Copywriter
16. Mother of Social Media Dragons
17. Chief Creative Panelist, Events
18. Creative Disruptor
19. Executive Sensei
20. The Michael Bay of Business
Real: 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 16, 18, 19 and 20.
Fake: 2, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15, 17 and 20.
THE IPHONE XS: AN ENDORSEMENT BY BONO IN CONCERT
INT – U2 AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - NIGHT.
SFX: ‘BULLET THE BLUE SKY.’
(SCREECHING GUITAR FEEDBACK; DRUMS AND BASS GUITAR KEEP STEADY BEAT)
BONO: (Clapping) Every time I clap my hands. 220.127.116.11. Every time. I clap. My hands. These hands…a child in Africa dies. These hands that clap are also the hands that kill. The child is dying because of Malaria, because of the lack of one single dollar. ONE. SINGLE. DOLLAR. Mosquitoes are the leading cause of Malaria. And we're going to make a difference. Our generation is going to say NO! History is watching what we do.
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS START NODDING THEIR HEADS IN AGREEMENT)
BONO: It's not OK for a child. In. The. 21st. Century. To…die of a mosquito bite. Won't you join me in taking the pledge? So let's ask Congress, the White House and President Trump to do something about it. It's really easy to do that in the 21st Century. All you gotta do is call them. Somebody got a smartphone in here?
(FANS PULL OUT THEIR SMARTPHONES AND BEGIN WAVING THEM.)
BONO: But let me clarify that by smartphone I meant...let me see your iPhone XS. Not like “excess excess” like excesses of a Rock'n'Roll lifestyle. XS. The letters X. And S. Get it?
(BONO PULLS HIS IPHONE XS OUT)
BONO: Dangerous little device, this. Look, I don't want your money. You've already sold half your kidney to be here tonight. I get it. I just need you to text 23817 ENDIT or call 1800-988-517-5378...text ... call our world leaders, our senators, our mayors...the politicians... Let's tell them to send aid to Africa, to put an end to this infectious epidemic. Preferably with an iPhone XS.
(RAISES HANDS IN THE AIR)
BONO: It's not OK that this disease-spreading global nuisance costs a mere $1 to stop. This has to end for the Malaria-affected mother with child in the wastelands of Sierra Leone...the father with the triplets who play soccer all day. Without food. Or clean drinking water. Or shoes. Or a single dollar to fight Malaria, in Chad, which is a place somewhere in Africa. You can't buy the iPhone XS there. A lot of you may or may not know that Apple has come up with a brand new iPhone - The iPhone XS. It's the new generation of iPhone. "Welcome to the big screens!” Super Retina in two sizes — BIG. AND. BIGGER. The largest display ever on an iPhone. All-screen makes all the difference. It's indeed a giant step for iPhone. iOS 12 makes iPhone XS so smart. INTELLIGENT. A12. BIONIC. This is the smartest, most powerful chip in a smartphone, so capable, it helps you in more personal ways. And so useful, you can use it to put an end to Malaria.
(BONO WALKS UP THE RAMP WITH A MEGAPHONE. TURNS IT ON AND CONTINUES MONOLOGUE SPEAKING INTO IT.)
BONO: It was 1961. Or 62. 63, I think when President Kennedy said, "we will put a man on the moon by the end of this decade!" BY. THE. END. OF. THE. DECADE. It was ambitious at the time, but JFK did it. And that's what we're asking from our leaders today...something like that. Not like putting a man on the moon, but the opposite: putting mankind back on Earth. Let's start with Africa. With the all-new iPhone XS. Apple's vision has always been to create an iPhone that is entirely screen. With iPhone XS, that vision is now a reality. Did I mention that it's all screen? IT. IS. ALL. SCREEN. Every decision that went into the iPhone XS makes it stand apart. No other phone is like the iPhone XS.
(SETS DOWN MEGAPHONE, PULLS OUT A HARMONICA AND PLAYS A TUNE.)
BONO: There's a dark cloud over us and we need to talk. There’s bad news. There’s so much more to do. History is watching what we do. There is a gigantic chasm between the scale of the emergency and the scale of the response concerning Africa. Yes, that same Africa where affluent, gun-toting, khaki-clad white folks go YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR to hunt game; take pictures of the Serengeti with giant-ass cameras and their ridiculously long lenses. They lie next to the carcasses of hippos, zebras, and meerkats, and take pictures. The world doesn’t need that anymore. Because the new iPhone XS houses a camera that's truly out of this world. A breakthrough dual-camera system. Say hello to a new era of photography. Sophisticated background blurs make for stunning portraits. Take selfies using Enhanced Portrait mode, get sharper action shots. Shots. Action. Shots. FOUR. FOUR. 4K video and stereo playback. A picture is worth a trillion operations with the iPhone XS camera.
SFX: MUSICAL ATMOSPHERE CHANGES, INTRO TO 'WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME'.
BONO: History is watching what we do. And a single dollar…That single dollar is what I'm after. That's one percent of how much Americans spend on chocolate per day. You can give that to Africa. With Face ID. Face ID comes with the iPhone XS. Security is simple when your face is your password. Face ID reinvents the way we lock, unlock, log in, log out and PAY. Face ID... let’s face it...it works. It recognizes changes in your appearance like weight loss. You can wear a hat; put on a clown mask...and it’ll recognize you. It even works with many types of sunglasses, including my Bvlgari. A lot of times, people think when they see a "B" on the side of my Bvlgari, that it's just my own megalomania. But... idk…more on that later.
SFX: GUITAR SECTION OF ‘WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME' BAND JOINS IN, BUILDING UP THE INTRO.
BONO: I truly believe that when the history books are written, our age will be remembered for three things: the war on terror, the digital revolution, and what we did - or did not do - to put the fire out in Africa. And also the fourth thing - the iPhone XS is coming. Starting at $999. You may be eligible to get a head start on your upgrade, too. Pre-order yours today. History is watching what we do. OK, Edge…Larry…Adam, let's go.
(BAND GETS BACK TO ‘WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME.’)